Paralyzed
by Eaglesei
Summary: COMPLETE! After learning Grissom and Sofia had dinner, Sara decides it is time to confront her past, and take back her life. Sara centered, GSR ending.
1. Chapter 1

**Paralyzed**

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N - Special thanks to Rica and Anaside!

Sara quietly walked to the locker room after finishing her first shift after following her week long suspension. She was thankful only Greg and Grissom asked her about the episode; she couldn't handle it from anyone else. She knew she needed to apologize to Catherine – not that she wanted to, but she needed to, professionally. Sara needed to keep one thing in life constant. If not work, her mind would find it necessary to think about her dreadful past, or her dreadful future, both of which were off topic, at least for the time being.

Sitting down at her locker she closed her eyes, soaking in the peaceful silence. After taking a moment to compose herself, she stood to leave. Walking towards the door she heard Catherine and Sofia talking on the other side.

"You look like hell, Sofia."

Sara could hear the sarcastic tone in Catherine's voice. Well, at least she was a bitch to someone else and not just her. Not wanting to run into either one of them, Sara began to plan an escape route.

"Gee, thanks Catherine, you know how to make a lady feel good. I'm not working on a lot of sleep here, cut me a break."

"Did you go out last night, Sofia?" Catherine asked almost rhetorically. She was surprised at her answer.

"Actually, yes I did, Gil and I had dinner last night. Dinner led to drinks, you know how it goes. You'll probably see him dragging his ass too. I don't think either one of us is used to being up so late, or early, however you look at it."

Sara stood at the door, paralyzed. A long time ago she learned how to shelter her disappointment, but that part of her brain had been full for a while now. She closed her eyes and took a few cleansing breaths, the kind suggested by her PEAP counselor. It was not working. The knife was cutting clear through her heart, and this time, nothing was going to stop it.

Sara didn't have to make the decision to move as it was made for her. The door swung open and knocked her aside. Like a storm, in walked Sofia and Catherine, each with a look of wonder in their eyes. What had Sara heard? They didn't get a chance to find out as Sara turned and quickly walked out of the locker room…and straight into Ecklie, her other nightmare.

"Sidle," he spat, his voice filled with disgust that only Ecklie knew how to express. "Slow down, the lab doesn't need any accidents around here."

Sara barely picked her head up. "Sorry, I didn't see you." It was always about the lab. If she heard that line again she would puke.

He smirked, "Don't let it happen again."

Sara didn't hear if he said any more because by the time he uttered his last word she was four steps past him. Her mission: Get out of hell, now.

She was almost clear, just a few more steps and she would be at the exit, and then it happened. She saw him standing by reception, talking to Brass. Sara's heart fell into her stomach and the sudden lurch almost caused her dinner to come up. She looked at the man who less than a week ago held her hand, giving her strength. He was also the same man who apparently was spending the better part of the morning with another woman, her co-worker. The mixture of love and hate for Grissom fused in her mind. She didn't have the heart or strength to face him, so she did what she did best – put her head down and ran.

She didn't breathe again until she was safe in her car, and then she let it all go.

Remembering the words Grissom spoke that day to Dr. Lurie, the only real time he was open about his feelings. But was he? She closed her eyes wincing from the pain of his honesty.

_'But then all of a sudden we got a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up, somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life, with her. But we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it'_

The past year had been hell, but she had kept some semblance of normalcy just knowing he did love her, knowing his career was the roadblock, not her. She opened herself to him because he had opened himself to her, albeit not directly. She put her feelings on the line, many times. She told of her tragic past to the same man, trusting him with her life. _He would love me, if he could. He would be with me, if he could. _

She had been a fool. Her father once told her no one would love her, and he had been right.

It was all a lie. He was a lie. She was a lie.

She knew what she had to do. Yes, it was time.

She would sort the details out later, but for now she turned the key, started her car, and drove home.

TBC? Please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

Paralyzed

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N- Wow! Thanks for the reviews! Thanks again to Rica, you are the best! Special thanks to Anaside!

Chapter 2

Sara walked into her apartment. She was tired. She needed to stop thinking. She made her way to the kitchen to grab a beer. Thinking better, she put it back and grabbed a water bottle. She needed a clear head; her new life needed to start today, no matter what her heart said.

Sara walked to the computer and emailed Ecklie. She requested a meeting the following night, one hour before shift. If she had her way, she'd be out of there before everyone arrived. She had enough of the Lab, enough of her current life, and enough of "him." The last thing she needed was everyone's eyes on her. _Poor Sara, first she gets suspended and then her love goes out with Sofia_. Her life was filled with pity and she needed that to stop, now.

It took four re-writes but she was finally done. Short and sweet, end of story.

_Ecklie,_

_I would like a few minutes of your time tomorrow before shift. How is 10pm? I'll come by your office._

_Regards,_

_Sara Sidle_

The plan was set it motion. For some time now Sara had wanted to go and find herself. She needed to face her past before going forward. After her 'talk' with Grissom last week she decided that she needed to resolve a few things. She wanted to find the social worker who took care of her when her mom killed her dad. She wanted to know her name. How could she have forgotten her name? Such a silly thing, but it led to a bigger question: what else did she forget?

'The mind has its filters,' he said. Why did every line he said to her stick in her head and she couldn't remember the simple name of the woman who led to her past?

Sara also needed to face her mother. She hadn't spoken to her since her sentencing. Her mother probably hated her, but the lawyers told her she had to tell the truth, and she had. She gave them a very graphic description on what she remembered of that fateful day.

She walked to the bathroom and ran the tub, a hot bubble bath. She turned the light down, not wanting to see herself right then. She shed her clothes and stepped into the tub. It was hot, so hot, and then she was numb. One thing she was good at was becoming numb. Truthfully, she spent her whole life practicing it. First in foster care, then she turned to her studies, followed by work and drinking. Yes, she was good at it and she hated herself for it.

XXXXXXX

Sara was early for her meeting with Ecklie, but went straight to his office. She had to prepare herself for her speech. She needed to convince him she needed this leave of absence. She needed to tell him enough so that he didn't question it, but not enough that her job would be on the line. She could do it, though. She'd fooled people for years.

Two days later she was on a plane to Frisco. It had been easier than she thought, talking to Ecklie. Apparently he welcomed her leave of absence request stating she needed to get her life under control. He said he'd handle talking to Grissom, and there was no better time than the present to start. With that, she handed him her gun and put her back to the lab and walked away. It was actually the easiest thing she had done in years. But she wasn't fooling herself. Physically walking away wasn't the problem, it would be emotionally walking away that would do her in.

XXXXXXX

Grissom walked into the lab only a few minutes before shift, very rare for him. His alarm failed to wake him and he rushed to get to work at all. He grumbled at the receptionist as she handed him his messages.

"Dr Grissom, Mr. Ecklie wants to see you as soon as you get in."

Grissom rolled his eyes. What now?

He walked into Conrad's office, something he hated doing before he had his evening cup of coffee. "You needed me, Conrad?"

He looked up. "Sit down, Gil."

Grissom sat, and felt like a good dog that should get a bone for good behavior.

"Remember last week when I told you that you couldn't solve Sidle's problems?"

Grissom sat up straight; _what's this idiot talking about?_ His pulse shot up 30 points. _Oh God, what did she do?_

Sensing Gil's fear, Conrad clarified himself. "Relax, she's okay. She requested, and I granted, an LOA. She said she needed to solve some issues from her past. Said it would help her here. I think it's a great idea."

"Why didn't she tell me?" He looked confused and he couldn't help to think if this was Conrad's decision or Sara's.

"I am the Lab's director Gil."

Grissom rolled his eyes, "Of course you are, Conrad, and if I forget, I'm sure you will remind me. How long will she be gone?"

Ecklie looked down at the request form. He looked at Gil, "It says three months to indefinite."

Grissom was momentarily rendered speechless. 'Indefinite?'

"Well, we will be two CSI's short, Sofia resigned last night."

Grissom saw something in Ecklie he never thought he would see – sheer panic. He wasn't expecting that. Was there something between them?

"What? Why wouldn't she come to me?" Ecklie was totally taken aback.

Grissom smirked, "Well, I am her supervisor." He stood to leave.

"What are we going to do, Gil?"

Grissom turned to face the man he loathed. "I don't know Conrad. _You_ are the lab's director." He continued on and left. He made it into his office before losing his cool. He punched his wall, hard. The pain felt good.

If anyone would have told him six months ago that this was how his life would turn out he would never have believed them.

He sat at his desk for what seemed like an eternity. He wasn't surprised Sara took a leave of absence, but he was surprised she didn't talk to him about it. He thought they were getting closer. She had opened up to him, and he was there for her. What happened? And then it hit him. She must have found out. _Oh God, she thinks I went on a date with Sofia_. His disgust with himself rendered even him disbelieving.

Truth told, he liked Sofia. She stood up to Ecklie and got demoted over him. He didn't like her in _that_ way, but he couldn't say she didn't intrigue him. He wanted to pick her brain and have a bitch session about the lab, about Ecklie. Halfway through it he realized she thought it was more, but he was enjoying himself, and what was so wrong about that?

He lowered his head into his hands, and nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a knock on the door. He looked up and saw Catherine standing there.

"Hi."

She needed to say no more, the look said it all.

"Gil, what were you thinking? Did you think Sara wouldn't find out?"

"Catherine, I'm not in the mood for this, not now."

She looked at him with disgust, wondering where her friend had gone. The ultimate Gil Grissom was unraveling at the seams lately.

"Well, it is my issue. Conrad is putting Nick and Warrick back on nights to cover, so yes, your… _asinine_ behavior is my problem."

"Do you think _one dinner_ is what caused Sara to request a leave of absence, Catherine?" He was sick of everyone thinking his actions were the only reason for Sara's reactions. "Sara…. Sara has…" God, why couldn't he finish a damn sentence when it came to talking to or about her?

"You know, forget it. I'm sorry you have to cover for Sara." He hoped she would just leave him alone, but this was Catherine, and he knew better.

Catherine closed the door and sat down. "Gil, friend to friend, what's going on? Is she in some sort of trouble"

He took his glasses off and gently rubbed the bridge of his nose. He looked up realizing the mess he was in. "Not getting into any specifics, let's just say that Sara can relate to many types of violent crimes, especially against women, because she witnessed them first hand."

Catherine was stumped, and for her, that was a first. "I'm not sure what to say. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive to her. Is she…will she be okay?"

He didn't know how to answer that. It had only been a week since he found this out himself, and he hadn't seen her since that night. He thought he was being her friend, but if he was he should have gone back to see her. And what did he do? He had dinner with Sofia. God, Sara must have hated him. Who would blame her? Every time she opened up to him he retreated. He didn't like himself very much, not very much at all.

"Gil?" Catherine was worried about her friend.

He didn't say a word. Catherine took that as a hint to leave, but before she did she turned to him and asked, "Do you know where she went?"

He looked disgusted; he truly had no idea. What kind of friend was he?

"No."

He watched Catherine leave and stared into the empty void ahead of him. He had no idea what to do. First he lost his team, then his respect, and now Sara. Something had to change, and he had no idea how to do it.

TBC.


	3. Chapter 3

Paralyzed

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N- Wow! Thanks for the reviews! Thanks again to Rica, you are the best!

Chapter 3

Sara checked herself into a no-name hotel. She needed to blend in, she needed to hide. The room was very ordinary; a studio with a bed and a table. She was used to such rooms because she'd lived in them her whole life. Never more than one room that would be a home. Sara had never had a home that she could remember.

She laid her small bag on the bed and sat down. She was so very tired and needed to sleep. Lately her thoughts had been focused on eternal sleep, but for today she would settle for rest. Then she needed to face her past, and then, _maybe_ she would entertain the thought of eternal sleep again.

It felt strange sleeping at night time, but surprisingly sleep found Sara easily. She learned long ago how to escape her thoughts and body and as her breathing became steady and easy, she slept. She had no dreams – why would she? Dreams would mean something good would happen, and she knew better. If she always expected to be disappointed, it would hurt just a tiny bit less.

When Sara woke it was just starting to get light out. She reached over and checked her watch: 5 AM. If she was still in Vegas she would be at work, with him, and her. The thought of Grissom with Sofia brought bile into her throat and she rolled over, swallowing hard. It was pointless to get up and shower as she couldn't go to social services until at least 9am.

After a half hour of absolute boredom Sara jumped up to start her day. She walked over and raised the curtain. Sunshine and blue water – finally something that appealed to her, something she didn't have to fight for. She dressed in stretch jeans and a sweatshirt. The sunshine was deceiving – it was chilly at 6am.

Sara walked along a path and immediately felt better. She was glad she got a room near the water, because it always relaxed her. Even as a child when her life was to hard to handle she found herself coming down to the water. She looked out at the horizon today the same way she did twenty years ago. The horizon helped her remember that there was hope in her life, somewhere out there was a happy future. She still wondered why twenty years later she still hadn't found happiness; life was still as cruel as it had been when it started.

After walking for what seemed like hours, she stopped at a bench overlooking the pier. She had grabbed a coffee on the way and sat eating a scone and sipping on her brew. For these few minutes Sara felt at ease, and it felt good.

Lost in thought, Sara was startled by the sound of another human's voice. She was lost at the sound of the water and the chirping of the birds.

"Mind if I sit down?" Looking down at Sara was a man with a coffee and a paper in hand.

Sara cleared her throat. "Sure, why not?"

So he sat. He opened his paper, carefully resting his coffee on the bench next to Sara. "I hope this is okay?"

She shook her head. She looked over at the man sitting next to her. He was fairly non-descript: dark hair, blue eyes and glasses. He was dressed in tan slacks and a beaten up sports coat.

He sensed Sara's glances and looked over. "I hope I'm not bothering you. I usually come here and have my morning coffee. It starts the day off peacefully."

Sara sighed. Yes, it would start any day off peacefully, wouldn't it. "No problem, just enjoying the view. I'm Sara Sidle, by the way."

He looked up, "Mike. Mike Sampson." He put his paper down. "Are you from around here?"

She shook here head, "No, I'm from Vegas. Well, I mean… I work in Vegas now, but I grew up around here, Tamales Bay."

"I've lived here my whole life, never left. Pretty boring, but this is my life."

They shared a few minutes of silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence either. He was the first to break it. "What are you doing in Frisco?"

Momentarily dazed by his question, Sara finally answered, "Just taking care of some old business."

"I hope everything's okay," he stammered, "you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders."

It was a statement rather than a question and even as this stranger pried into Sara's life, it didn't bother her.

"Sorry, Sara, I'm nosy, or a 'people person' as some put it," he chuckled and opened is paper back up.

He was worried he'd pushed too far and was surprised that the mysterious woman seated next to him continued.

"Mike, can I ask you a question?" Sara looked off into the distance again before continuing, "Have you ever reached a point in your life when you just feel paralyzed?"

"Yes, actually I have."

Sara noticed the look of seriousness that suddenly crossed his face.

"I have a pretty stressful job and sometimes it eats me up inside. Caused me to lose everything, even my family… so yes, I know how it feels."

She looked down, "At least you had a family to lose, I've never even got that far."

It was quiet again as each of them reflected on their thoughts.

Mike looked down at his watch, "Damn, I have to get to work."

"For you," he handed her the paper. "Maybe I'll see you again sometime, Sara Sidle."

She watched as he walked away. He had strides and she counted 24 of them until he was out of her sight. She pushed herself up and headed back to her hotel room. Time to shower and change. She had an appointment at Children's Services in less than an hour.

XXXXXXXX

It took less than 30 seconds for memories to start flooding back as she approached the Children's services building. She could never forget the look or smell of it. She closed her eyes and remembered the musty smell; it was warm she was sweating but somehow she had never been so cold in her life.

Sara reached the steps and continued to the receptionist. It was now or never. "Hi, I'm Sara Sidle and …and… I was in the system almost 20 years ago and was looking for some information."

The lady almost guffawed at Sara, "do you think we have records that far back?'

Sara didn't think it was funny. "Yes, I do. Can you please check?"

Even though she looked annoyed, the woman started typing something. "What was your name again?"

"Sara Sidle."

"No, I can't find anything, sorry." She looked over Sara's shoulder. "Next!"

Trying to remain calm, Sara slammed her hand down. "No!"

"You have to find something on me. I've been forgotten my whole life and now you're saying I have no past?" Sara didn't know why she was laughing. Nerves maybe? The tears were close but her anger kept them at bay.

Suddenly Sara heard someone walking towards them. "What seems to be the issue, Marie?"

Sara couldn't bear to look. 

"This woman here is looking for information about her past and we don't seem to have any records on her, and she isn't happy."

Sara looked up and was about to lose her cool. "Mike?"

He looked at her. "Sara?"

TBC

A/N Don't get too worried, trust me, ok? I am a big GSR fan….


	4. Chapter 4

**Paralyzed**

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N - Special thanks to Rica and Jessi!

Chapter 4

Sara couldn't speak- or maybe she could- but nothing audible was coming out of her mouth.

Mike thanked the receptionist for her help and led Sara back to his office by gently grabbing her by the elbow. It actually surprised Sara that she didn't jump; she rarely let anyone touch her, let alone a man. Somehow, she felt comfortable with Mike even though she had just met him.

Sara sat down shaking her head. She couldn't come here and leave empty handed. No, not now, not after everything she'd sacrificed to get here.

Mike let her stew with her thoughts before speaking. "Sara, I guess I should formally introduce myself. I am Mike Sampson, director of the Bay Area Children Services Division," reaching over he handed her his business card.

She stared down at the business card as if it held the keys to her past; of course it didn't, but anything to avoid making eye contact.

"Can you explain to me what you are looking for?"

Sara cleared her throat making sure he voice would work, "When I was a kid I was in the system- for a while."

"Can I ask why you were in the system and when?"

"Mid eighties. First time was temporary. I was in while my mother recovered from a severe beating by the hand of my father. The second time" Sara tried to compose herself, but talking and choking back tears wasn't working.

Mike stood and came around the desk taking the seat next to Sara's. He reached over and took her hand. "It's ok Sara. Nothing is going to shock me. Go on, maybe I can help."

She nodded, "The second time was permanent. My mother killed my father. I guess the abuse was too much."

"I'm sorry Sara. How old were you?"

"When the abuse started? Or when she finally killed him?" Sara asked incredulously with a harsh laugh.

Mike continued to hold her hand. It was funny how natural it felt speaking to Mike. Something she was definitely unaccustomed to. "It started as early as I remember and I made it to the system when I was 10."

"That's a lot to handle for a child. How are you today?

"Do you want the Cinderella story?" She asked almost amused at herself.

Mike nervously shifted in his seat before his urging her to continue.

"I graduated high school at 16 followed by full honors at Harvard. I'm now a CSI working for the LAPD in Vegas. By all accounts I'm great."

Mike gave her hand a squeeze, "Somehow that is not all I see."

She lowered her head, "On paper I'm a statistic of success but my heartfeels like I'm dying."

For a man of many words, the brunette sitting before him stumped him. "After all this time Sara, what are you looking for?"

"You promise not to think I'm totally nuts?" Sara asked, one side of her mouth twisted up in a wry grin.

"I'll do my best Sara," his warm smile encouraging her to continue.

Sara looked up and locked her eyes with his. "When I was taken into foster care, there was a woman. She came to my house, she packed my bag and she brought me here. For a few nights I stayed with her until they found me home. I can't remember her name. I need to remember her name."

Mike shook his head, "Can you tell me more about her? We may not have records, but my Mom worked here for thirty years, she may remember her."

Sara described her as best as she could, never thinking it would get here anywhere.

With one last squeeze Mike let go of Sara's hand and went back to his desk. "Give me a minute, ok?" Mike picked up the phone and dialed.

While he shared pleasantries with the person on the other end of the phone, Sara composed herself.

"_Mom, hi, this is Mike. I need you to think back to the early eighties. Was there a woman who worked with you who had red hair, was very tall and a southern accent?"_

_Mike listened for a few minutes before speaking again. "Oh yes, I remember her, thanks Mom." _

Mike put down the phone. "I'm going to date myself here, but I thought I remembered the woman you were describing. When I was at college mom told me about her new, fun co-worker. She talked a lot about her, seems she wasn't all beaten down over the job yet. Her name was Mae Donaldson."

The light in Sara's brain erupted, Mae Donaldson. She closed here eyes, Mae. How could she have forgotten her name? Another set of memories flooded her and she flinched at the pain.

_1983_

"_Sara, my name is Mae Donaldson. Sara, do you know what is going on here?"_

_Sara didn't even flinch staring out the window. "Why is your name 'Mae' if it is only March" _

_Even back then she always rationalized everything._

XXX

"Sara? Are you ok?" Mike looked worried.

Sara smiled, "Actually, yes I am. It may sound crazy to you but I needed to remember her name, she made me feel comfortable."

Before he could answer Sara's phone rang. She looked down at the caller ID, it was Grissom. She closed the phone and put it in her pocket. She wasn't ready to deal with her present life.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help to you Sara. It is just impossible to keep documentation on site for 25 years. I'm sure we have your file in archives."

"Mike, you've been more help than you can imagine, thank you."

"Can I ask what you are going to do now? Are you going back to Vegas? I don't mean to pry, but you said some heavy things this morning. Are you going to be ok?"

"I think I will be ok. I just reached a roadblock in my life and both forks led to dead ends. But, one step at a time, one day at a time. I haven't spoken to my mother in 20 years. At first I hated what she did and then I loved what she did. When I finally went to see her after she had been in prison for five years she didn't want to see me. My choice was made. I left California and never looked back."

"It must have been hard Sara, growing up without a family."

Mike knew he hit a nerve with that as Sara outwardly cringed.

"There _was_ no family in my life. Love was not patient or kind at my house, it was hell. The fights, the beatings, anything was better than that. Foster care seemed like a dream at the time."

"You seem ok now Sara, good job. Do you have a family of your own?"

"No. Do you want to hear about my life? Here goes. I chose my career because of a man I considered to be a mentor. I came to Vegas at his request. I worked side by side with him for years, loving him from afar. Every time we got close, he ran. I accepted it. Why? Because honestly, who would love me?"

Mike moved back next to Sara softly holding her hand in his. "Go on".

"I barely sleep; I help convict murderers and felons and put them away. Great stuff, eh? Well, let me also mention how I watch women get buried every day because they were too afraid to fight their abusers and there is nothing I can do about it. What is better? Not fighting back or murder? I can't seem to decide."

Sara wondered why she was laying her life on the line to a stranger, but it felt good

"I was having problems coping with it all so I started drinking. I then almost got arrested for DUI. Oh, I forgot, in between there I found out the man I love loves me, but not enough to ruin his career over. So again I love from afar. Topping it all off I got myself suspended. After getting bailed out I return to work to find out the man I love thought his career _was_ worth ruining, _but only_ for someone else," she ended with a strangled sob, dropping her head in defeat, her shoulders shaking.

Mike sighed. "Life hasn't been easy Sara, has it?"

She nodded, agreeing but not accepting.

"You know what? You are still here Sara. You are alive and beautiful. Despite it all you have conquered hell. You have two choices; fight or fall. You have to choose. How old are you? 35? You are still young, start today like it is the first day of the rest of your life. If not, it will eat you up."

On cue her phone rang again, Sara looked down, it was Grissom. She had two choices, fight or fall.

She chose to fight.

"Sidle."

TBC -Reviews are free, and easy! Thanks! I'm not sure if I should continue.


	5. Chapter 5

**Paralyzed**

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N- Thanks for the reviews! Special thanks to Rica!

Chapter 5

"Sara? Sara, are you there?" Grissom's worry was quickly turning into sheer panic.

"I'm here."

Grissom closed his eyes and silently thanked God. "Sara, where are you?"

Sara looked over at Mike. He was gazing at her trying to judge Sara's reaction to the phone call. No doubt she was tense, hell any time Grissom called her made tense, good or bad.

Sara stood walking over to the window. "I'm not in Vegas, Grissom."

"I know, Sara. Where are you?"

"I'm where I need to be. That is all you need to know."

"Sara, please. I need to explain a few things-" his attempt at further explanation was cut short by Sara's quick response.

"Right now is about _me_ Grissom, not about you. Frankly I've wasted a lot of time on this '_us'_ that did or didn't exist."

Sara wasn't sure where her full-fledged anger spawned from, but the sound of his blubbering voice made her angry. Two weeks ago she would have welcomed Grissom's concern with open arms, but now it plain hurt. He was the first person she has ever fully opened up to, and for one day in her thirty five year existence the painful memories didn't hurt. By the simple grasping of her hand Grissom eased her pain, even if for just a night.

Funny how that comfort with him could be changed in a matter of seconds. She outwardly cringed when she remembered Sofia's words.

'_Actually, yes I did, Gil and I had dinner last night. Dinner led to drinks, you know how it goes. You'll probably see him dragging his ass too. I don't think either one of us is used to being up so late, or early, however you look at it.'_

Sara's brief trip down memory lane was ended when a still panicked Grissom spoke again.

"Will you at least let me explain?"

His voice was so soft yet it ripped through Sara's core. Sara's entire body began to shake and Mike was getting concerned. He stood to approach her but was waved off. Taking the lead, he quietly exited the room.

Truth be told, it wasn't about Grissom any longer. It was about Sara. It was about taking back her life. There would be no explanation that could fully explain Grissom taking Sofia out. Whatever he said at this point would always be doubted, and doubt didn't work with Sara Sidle, not ever.

"It wasn't a date, Sara. It was nothing more than dinner with a friend. At least that is how I saw it."

Her voice froze. If it was noting more than dinner why did he say 'no' to her. Why is it always easier with others? She knew about Teri Miller and Lady Heather, but she also knew about every dinner he had with Warrick, Nick or Catherine. Why was it only her that he avoided at all cost? Why did everything have to be so complicated?

"Grissom, come on. It was more than that and you know it. It was time you spent outside the office with someone you knew for what- six months?"

"Sara, Sofia resigned. We were talking shop. I was trying to talk her out of it. Hell, she almost lost her job for me and I at least wanted to try to help her. We got to talking about Ecklie and how the job has changed. It was nothing more than a lab bitch-fest."

"It's not so much that you went out with Sofia, it is why you did. Five long years and you never confided in me, ever. Do you know how many times I yearned to ask you if you were alright after a long case? Me, the person who knows you longer than anyone, and did you ever once lean on me ? I'm not a person who requires a lot Gris. Some people even consider me a friend, but at times you make me feel like a complete stranger."

Grissom was now pacing the length of his townhouse. He needed to reach Sara and he needed to look into her eyes. "Sara, I can't make you believe how sorry I am over the phone, can you please tell me where you are?" He pleaded with her, but deep down he knew her answer.

"For once in my life I am alright with doing this on my own. It's something I need to do. Trust me, I'm not drunk and I'm not doing anything stupid."

"I wish I could be there for you Sara, I just want you to know that, you do know that right?"

Sara closed her eyes wishing she could believe him. She needed to believe him, but her heart was another story. It had been broken far too many times by him. It would take more than words; it would take actions and they were Grissom's short fall.

"A friend just gave me a very good piece of advice, f_ight or fall. _If you want me Grissom you are going to have to fight."

Slowly his breathing started again, "I'm done falling Sara. I want to fight, I _need_ to fight."

"That's good Grissom, because I'm counting on it."

There was a few seconds of silence, each taking time to reflect on their brief conversation. It was amazing how much they communicated in so little time. Sara once told him 'It's easy to wear your heart on your sleeve when you're not looking in his eyes,' and it was true.

"Grissom, it's time for action, you do understand that, right?"

"Sara, you've always had my heart and my soul, now I want to give you all of me. Do what you need to do now, but promise to come back, please." Grissom was sure his heart stopped beating waiting for her reply.

"Right now I'm taking things one day at a time. That is all I can promise. I'd like to say I'll come back, but time will tell." Vague? Yes, but Sara wasn't into making any promises, even though her heart told her otherwise.

"Promise me if you need me you will call. I'll be there as soon as I can." Grissom tried to hide the disappointment in his voice but he knew part of her reasoning was due to his issues. He would change, he had to change. He never really thought how simple lunches or dinners with other team members would hurt Sara. Truthfully, he never even realized he was alienating her. _Could_ he really never have taken her out for a meal? Sometimes it was hard to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Yes, he would try harder. His lack of actions, both on being a manager and friend, already cost him his team, he couldn't lose Sara as well.

After another poignant moment of silence, Sara continued. "Grissom, I better go. I'm in the middle of something."

"Do you know how long you will be gone?" Grissom closed his eyes preparing for the worst. _Three months to indefinite. _The thought of indefinite made Grissom's stomach turn.

"Hard to say, I've only been gone a week. I think for me to be able to come back and effectively do my job within emotional guidelines, I have to face a few truths. I still want to find my mother. I need to know why she did what she did. Every abuse victim I have ever dealt with as a CSI had me wondering why? If I solved just one more case I'd figure why she did it. Obviously, it never worked. I need to face her once and for all."

"I understand." It would be something he'd need to know also. "Can I call you Sara? Please?"

Sara smiled and she didn't know why. "I'd like that."

Sara exhaled. "Bye Grissom"

"Sara, never say goodbye, ever. Say I'll talk to you later. I can't handle goodbye."

"Ok, I'll talk to you later Grissom."

"Ok, later."

Despite the conversation ending, Sara left the phone pressed to her ear, not quite ready to let the connection with Grissom go. The silence on the other end was almost deafening; that is, until she heard him speak again. His voice was barely a whisper, but she heard it just the same.

"_Sara, I love you."_

Continue? Let me know! Your reviews help to encourage me to continue.


	6. Chapter 6

**Paralyzed**

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N - Special thanks to Rica for her encouragement and Beta skills. Thanks for the reviews, they mean a lot!

Chapter 6

'_Sara, I love you.'_

Sara couldn't believe what she heard. She went with the first instinct that came to her mind, she hung up the phone.

Grissom was glad he was sitting when he heard the click or he would have fallen over with a loud thud. For years he uttered his thoughts aloud to Sara and he had no idea where they came from. His heart perhaps? Possibly, but that part of his heart had been dead for years; in fact, today was the first time he actually admitted it to himself. _He loved her_.

Sara had little time to ponder what had just happened as Mike walked back into the room. He strolled back to his desk while keeping his eyes locked to Sara. "Are you ok?"

Without really taking in the question Sara nodded her head yes. It just comes natural to say she is ok, even if she really isn't.

Mike wasn't buying it as his face of doubt spoke volumes. The careful tilt of his head mixed with the raising of his brows told Sara he wasn't buying it.

"That was my boss. He was checking to see if I was ok." _Yeah, Grissom is my boss. He is also the man of my dreams who just declared his love to me. _

Mike chortled. "It sounded a bit more than that."

"It's complicated. We have been friends for years, although he's only really known the genuine 'me' for a couple of weeks. In fact, he's the only person who knows about my _past._"

Mike accepted the answer. "What are you going to do now?"

"I need a few days to think about my 'life'. Then, I think I am going to visit my Mom. She is at Central California Women's Facility. By my calculation, she should be getting out soon." Sara was lost in thought. So much had transpired in the last few weeks. A lot for even a normal person to handle, and Sara thought herself far from 'normal.'

Mike reached over to his desk and picked up a business cared. He handed one to Sara, "Here, if you need anything call, ok?"

With a timid smile, Sara took the card out of his hand, "Thanks, for everything."

Sara left the building and walked out into the bright sunshine. She looked down at her watch and was shocked to see it was almost 1 pm. She was surprised how long she had been in there. As Sara was deciding what to do her stomach answered for her with a loud grumble.

Sara wanted to ignore the pesky feeling in her stomach. She was always the person who needed instant gratification. Her healing was a three step process. Step one was complete with the name of the woman who took her to Foster care. The next step in her campaign was confronting her mother. The third step was still hard to comprehend; fighting for love, fighting for Grissom.

She decided on grabbing a quick fruit smoothie and headed back to hotel. Seeing her mother would have to wait. Although she wanted answers now, she also needed to be prepared for seeing her. The day had warmed up enough for Sara to enjoy the heated outdoor pool at her hotel. Sitting by the side of the pool with her I-Pod on, Sara felt relaxed, almost. She would allow a few hours of this and then the she needed to get back to planning the visit with her mother.

Waking up with a shiver, Sara looked down at her watch and saw it almost five. She must have fallen asleep. She gathered her gear and headed to take a shower. She was almost at her room when she heard her phone ringing. She quickly put her card key in the lock and opened the door.

"Hello."

After a brief silence Sara heard the voice on the other end. It was Grissom. Sara jumped, remembering the last words he spoke to her. Did he know she heard him? No, he couldn't. Play it cool Sara. Don't let him know you heard him just yet.

"Hi, I …had a question on a case, if you have a minute." He was dying. The sweat was trickling down his face. He could have sworn he heard her hang up before he declared his love, but when he heard the loud click he knew. _Maybe the phone was in her hand, by her side. Or maybe it was at her ear. Well, she didn't hang up yet, that's a good sign, right?_

"Sure, let me put my bag down." Grissom had a question on a case? Sara wasn't working any case before she left.

"Ok, what's up?"

"Do you remember the Stafman case; the one where they found a gun used in the drive by under the car seat?"

"Yeah, last month worked on it with Greg, why?"

_Think Grissom think_. "I um, can't find the file, Ecklie must be reviewing it. Do you remember the color of carpet fiber it was, and type of car?

"Sure, red Tri-lobe and the car was a 2003 Ford Escape."

"Good, thanks. The DA is asking a few questions." He was happy she didn't suspect his _excuse_ to call. Well, if she did she didn't sound like she knew, or cared.

Sara walked to the bathroom and started to take her bathing suit off. It was chilly and she needed a shower. She pinned the phone between here ear and shoulder and let out a few grunts along the way.

Grissom tried to decipher the sounds coming from the other end, "Sara, what are you doing?"

"Hold on a second." Sara finished shedding her suit and wrapped a towel around her. "I was cold and needed to get out of my swim suit."

Grissom wanted to smack his head, _she just did what? _"You're busy, I'll let you go. Thanks for the information on the case."

"It's no problem Gris; you don't have to hang up." _Please, I could use a friendly voice. _

He wanted to say more, but wanted to avoid crossing the line between being a friend and prying. He tried to strike the image from his mind of Sara sitting on the other end of the phone in a towel. It wasn't working. The throbbing was evident as he looked down at his lap. _Sara…naked in a towel_.

Grissom opted to do what he did best; he played middle ground, as always. "Doing anything exciting tomorrow?"

Sara laughed, "Depends on your definition of 'exciting.'"

Grissom wasn't sure how she wanted him to answer her. "You can talk to me about it if you want."

Sara knew Grissom was uncomfortable. She also knew he was trying, and since she wanted her life less complicated, she was going to try too. "I'm not sure. I plan on seeing my mother at some point, but I need to build up to that. I'll probably relax for a few days, exercise, maybe read a book."

It sounded like heaven to Grissom. Not just the leisurely activities but who he could share them with, if he hadn't screwed up his life so bad.

Grissom heard a knock at his door. He looked up and saw Sofia standing there. He exhaled loudly before he put his hand up to halt her from coming in his office. He put his hand over the phone and told her he'd come find her when he was done.

"Look, it's pretty busy here, I better go." The last thing Sara needed was to hear Sofia's voice. He knew they were treading in deep water and didn't need the Titanic running them over.

"Thanks for calling Grissom, it means a lot."

He smiled. Almost an unnatural occurrence, one he was certainly not used to. "I'm going to call again, maybe tomorrow, if that's alright with you. Let me know when you are going to see your mom."

It was Sara's turn to smile, "I will, talk to you later."

"Good night Sara,"

Sara sat and cradled the phone in her hand. It was nice to have someone care, even if it was Grissom. Trusting him would take some time and it would require both of them to work at that.

XXX

For four days Sara 'relaxed.' It felt good for a day or two. But by the third day, she was almost stir-crazy. Save for the lunch she had with Mike, she hadn't spoken to another human being in 48 hours. She should never have expected Grissom to call when he said he would, but she did. Her heart always got her in trouble. She should go back to not feeling, it didn't hurt as much.

Grissom meant to call, really, but work got in the way. He had been up for nearly 60 hours trying to find the murderer who snuffed the life out of an entire family. A mother, father, a four year-old and a two year-old all dead for no reason. They had nothing, not a stitch of evidence. It was killing Grissom and he couldn't do anything about it. Truthfully he wanted to call Sara, but she didn't need to be burdened with the exact thing she ran away from. So he did what he did best, he bottled it inside and did not speak to anyone, not even Sara.

Tomorrow was Friday and Sara decided it was time. She called the penitentiary where her mother was and scheduled a visit for the next day. She really had no idea what she was going to say to her, but it was time. She needed a clean break from it all. She phoned Mike and told him about her trip the next day. He wished her the best and it meant a lot, but it wasn't the same. He wasn't Grissom.

XXXX

The next morning, Sara woke with a start. She showered, dressed and was on her way by 8am. She wanted to get there early, or she was afraid she would miss her appointment. She wasn't sure which it was. She arrived an hour before she was due and sat in her car and with a quick shake of her head, she looked at the site before her. There was barbed wire fencing at least 20 feet tall surrounding an old castle looking complex. Hard to believe Sara had grown up, studied at Harvard, and was in the middle of a pretty good career all while her mother lived here. She shook her head once again before exiting the car. She walked up to the main gate.

"Hi, I'm Sara Sidle and I'm here to see Laura Sidle, I have an appointment."

The processing took 30 minutes, and by the time her appointment approached, she sat nervously in the visitor's area.

Sara looked up in time to see a woman approach. No denying who it was; Sara felt as if she were looking in the mirror. Her mother looked her age, with chocolate brown hair. Her face and bone structure the same, her sad eyes dead on.

The woman walked straight over to Sara and put her arms around her, tight.

Sara didn't move. She didn't even flinch. This was her mother and she sat perfectly erect, not even attempting to embrace the woman who gave her life.

Incredulously Laura asked, "Sara, after all of these years, what brings you here?"

Sara paused, "In all honesty? I don't really know. Can't we just catch up first?"

Laura smirked, "I have all the time in the world Sara." Laura searched the eyes of Sara only to find sad eyes looking back at her. "Tell me about yourself, please."

Sara dared not talk about her time in foster care, but rather started with Harvard. She told her of her studies, her job in San Francisco and now her job in Vegas. Her mom sat back and had the look of a proud mother on her face.

"Law enforcement? What would possess you to do that?"

"I'm a criminalist not a police officer. I use science to convict felons, murderers."

Sara watched as her mother outwardly flinched. _Murderers._

Sara shook her head apologetically, "Sorry –"

"Are you happy Sara? You look sad, almost lost."

"I have my days. Sometimes I think everything is ok, then there are times I'm a mess. I guess that is why I'm here. I'm at a turning point in my life and I need some answers."

"You want to know why I did it, don't you." Laura leaned forward, trying to assess her daughter.

"I think I need to know why, part of me blames dad, part blames me, and sometimes I blame you. I need to get it straight in my head." Sara tried to keep her voice even, but it was cracking.

"Why that day? Why, after all those years of living in fear…in pain, did you do it then?"

Laura visibly stiffened. Her inner self was torn, truth or tale. No, her daughter needed, _deserved_ the truth. "He came home again smelling of a woman. I questioned him on it and he got mad, really mad. He slapped me and threw me on the bed."

"Didn't that happen often? What changed about that day?"

"He said he was going to find himself a 'real' woman."

Sara laughed, nervously. "I assume he didn't consider you a real woman after 14 years?"

"Apparently not, he was doing it all the time."

"So why then?"

"After he slapped me around good I heard him mutter…I heard him mutter he was going to get him some real woman."

"Yeah, par for the course though, wasn't it?"

"He turned and was walking towards your room Sara." Laura's voice was barely above a whisper as she continued, "He wanted to make _you_ a woman. I wouldn't let him touch you."

TBC- Please let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7 updated

Paralyzed

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

Chapter 7

'_He turned and was walking towards your room Sara.' Laura's voice was barely above a whisper as she continued, 'He wanted to make you a woman. I wouldn't let him touch you.'_

Sara was paralyzed. All of these years, Sara blamed her mother for killing her father and turning her life up-side-down. She couldn't even think how wrong she had been. Her mom did it for her. Sara closed her eyes. _She couldn't look at her mother, she must hate me._

Laura reached over and lightly placed her hand on Sara's clenched fist. "A mother's love is unconditional Sara; don't even think twice about it. I didn't."

"All of these years, why…?" Sara's voice was quivering.

"Why didn't I tell you?" Laura nervously laughed, "He was a bad man Sara, if I had stopped him years before it never would have come down to it."

"I blamed you, I held you responsible for taking Dad away. I blamed you for my crappy life. If only I'd have known why..." Sara looked up and stared deep into her mother's soul, "Can you forgive me, ever?"

"There is no need for forgiveness. I'm ok, really. I've made myself the best life I can here. I'm the librarian, I help the 'newbie's' adjust, and I'm getting out in six months."

"Really?"

Laura shook her head. "My life is starting over again and so can we, if you like."

"I'd like that."

They were both lost for words. It was a lot to adjust on both ends. Sara had a mother, and Laura had a daughter. After a few minutes an awkward silence ensued and Sara said she needed to get back.

"Can I visit you again?"

"No. I'll be out soon, next time I'd like to visit you."

"I'd like that."

When Laura looked at her daughter, she saw anguish. A mother always knows when their child is hurting. "Do you have a family?"

Looking away as if embarrassed Sara answered in the faintest of voices, "no."

"Is there anyone special in your life?"

"There is someone, but it's complicated. We met a long time ago and have been friends for years. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with him. I thought he felt something and I asked him out once but it didn't work out. I pretty much gave, up figuring I didn't deserve to be happy."

The sorrowful confidence of Sara's words scared Laura to the core. She forcefully grabbed Sara's hand, "You listen to me Sara Sidle. You deserve to be happy. Sure life sucked at times, doesn't mean you can't be happy, do you understand me?"

Sara shook her head, "sure."

"Does this man care for you?"

"I thought so-."

"You thought so? You have to know so. Has he ever told you how he feels?"

"He's the type of man who speaks more in actions than in words. He uses his eyes to warm my heart, he uses his hands to steady me when I'm weak, and his mere presence makes my sun rise."

"Sara, is that enough?"

"It used to be, but I guess now I need more." Sara rubbed her eyes; her head was beginning to throb.

"He's the only person whom I've told about our family."

"He didn't run?" Laura snickered but was curious none the less.

"He was actually very supportive. One thing we do well is not judging each other. I think we know and accept each others faults."

"You love him Sara, don't you?"

Sara didn't really need to think of her reaction, but hesitated out of normal self preservation. If she admitted to anyone her love for Grissom, it would hurt more if it didn't happen. It was easier to love in her mind, that way she was always loved back. It wasn't a normal way to view love, but Sara really never knew of love, nor had she ever remember being loved. "I've loved him for a long time."

Laura squeezed Sara's hand showing support. "Any man should be happy to have your love, even if he doesn't feel the same."

"The thing is I think he feels the same. I heard him say so. Maybe he loves me but doesn't know how to love the 'real' me. Maybe I have no idea what it feels like."

"Believe me Sara, you will know. The first time he holds you in his arms to take the pain away. The first time he kisses you and you feel like you will explode. When you make love and you don't know where he ends and you begin."

Sara didn't flinch; in fact her breathing had almost stopped as she realized she had never felt that way. Not with Hank, nor with any other boyfriend. She knew it could be like that with Grissom. Hell, his touch alone sparked flames inside her. Yes, she needed more. She deserved more. It wasn't enough to take those feelings to a lonely bed every night.

Sara was brought back to reality when a voice came over the loud speaker advising visiting hours were over.

Before Sara left she needed one more answer. "Mom, if you loved Dad that much, how did it turn out the way it did?"

"I never said it was your father that made me feel that way. I just settled for the wrong man." It was now Laura's turn to reminisce. "Can you promise me you won't make the same mistake?"

"I'm trying Mom, really."

The siren sounded and Sara stood to leave. "Will you call me when you get out of here?"

Laura smiled, "I'd like that."

Sara turned to leave when she was stopped by her mother's voice.

"Promise me to stop looking back Sara and look towards the future. Find your love and never look back."

"Thanks mom, for everything. For what you did, how you protected me. I'm sorry I never sought the truth out before. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

The brick of Laura Sidle was broken. "Maybe we can start over at being a family again Sara."

Sara smiled, "That sounds wonderful."

The two women shared a forbidden hug and parted ways. Sara walked out the doors of the prison and took a deep breath of fresh air. Sara felt free. She had a family again.

XXXX

Grissom finally slept after being up for almost three days. He didn't feel rested when he turned over in bed. He thought by turning over he could go back to sleep. That is until he felt the cold sheets that lay next to him. They say you reach a point in your life where being alone becomes routine and that thought frightened Grissom immensely. He jumped out of bed to erase that thought from his memory. He looked at the clock. It was almost 1pm. Way too early to even think of going to work, but late enough to not warrant any additional sleep. What he really wanted was to do something to take his mind off of the grisly murders three days ago. His mind drifted to Sara. He knew what he needed to do.

Grissom picked up his cell phone and dialed Sara's number.

As soon as Sara reached her car she started it and put the air conditioning on before getting set to drive. She was stopped by the vibrating against her leg. "Hello."

"Sara, it's me, Grissom."

Fate, perfect timing, Sara wasn't sure but it was nice to hear his voice. "How are you doing? You sound 'off'."

"Hard case, little sleep you know how it is." Grissom didn't care what Sara was saying, just hearing her voice lowered his anxiety level ten notches.

Sara was quiet for a minute, and that worried Grissom. "You ok Sara?"

"Yeah, I just met _my Mom." _Sara laughed, "It sounds so weird saying 'mom'."

"How did it go?"

"Grissom as much as I'd like to talk about this, I think I need to digest it first. Can we talk later?"

Grissom tried to not sound disappointed. "Sure, call me later if you want."

"Ok, later Gris."

Grissom was worried. Sara always tried to keep a stoic façade up. Grissom was worried, but he knew she needed to do this herself. When she needed him, he'd be there.

Sara flipped up her phone closed and put the car in drive. She cranked up the radio and sang along with the music. It was such a normal thing to do, but what wasn't normal is how much Sara enjoyed it. Not thinking about what her Mom told her was what she needed at the moment. She needed to neutralize her thoughts before she could address her feelings. She drove back to her hotel and changed her clothes. She put on her running gear and headed to the beach for a run. Her run started off at a slow pace. It soon picked up until Sara was sprinting. The harder she ran the more memories came rushing back to her.

Her mother's words, _I couldn't let him go after you Sara. I had to kill him._

Ecklie's words, _Sidle, you're suspended._

Sofia's words, _I had dinner with Grissom. Dinner led to drinks, you know how it is._

Sara ran harder. She needed to erase her thoughts. They wouldn't stop.

Grissom's words cut the hardest. _I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I love you Sara. _

Sara couldn't take anymore and she turned and plunged into the cold Pacific Ocean. The rush of chill ran throughout her body helped numb her. She opened her eyes underwater; she couldn't hear or see anything. Finally, nothing hurt.

A minute had passed and Sara's lungs were aching for air. She needed to make the decision, sink or swim. She made a pact with herself then and there. She would leave her past right there on the ocean floor and start living today. She would be a family with her mother. They would make up for all the lost years. She would stop blaming and start living. She closed her eyes and floated to the top and gasped for air. Life is worth living.

Despite the chill, Sara slowly made her way back to her hotel. She opened the door and stripped her wet clothes. After a long warm shower she felt better and decided to grab dinner.

Sara was used to dining alone, but it never did feel normal. You ordered, you ate and you left. It was hard enjoying yourself, but Sara was so used to it; she wouldn't know any better. It was getting late and Sara headed back to the hotel. Maybe she could catch a good movie on HBO. She changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed. It was after she lay in bed staring at the TV for two hours did the reality of her mother's words hit her.

Sara cried. She cried for her childhood filled with hate. She cried for her Mother who thought her only daughter hated and blamed her for her actions. She cried for every rape victim, every murder victim and every victim who died too scared to identify their attacker. She cried for love; the love she desired and the love she left behind. She would let it all out tonight and start tomorrow as the first day of the rest of her life.

Through her tears she heard a knock at her door. She couldn't imagine who it could be. She didn't want to see anyone or have anyone see her like this. She ignored the knocking until she heard his voice.

"Sara, open up. It's me, Grissom."

Sara was sure she was imagining him being there. How did he find her? Oh yeah, his best friends are trained detectives and she had used her credit card.

Sara tried to wipe the tears and make up smudges from her face. She slowly opened the door.

Grissom wasn't prepared for the sight before him. Sara was deathly pale and her eyes were swollen. The look on her face broke Grissom's heart. He stepped in and shut the door. "Sara, are you ok?"

Sara knew her voice wasn't going to work quite yet. She placed her finger over his lips.

"Shhhh."

Grissom knew her well enough to understand she wasn't going to talk to him just yet so he did the next best thing. "Sara, can I hold you?"

Sara shook her head in acceptance.

Grissom took his jacket and shoes off, took Sara's hand and walked her to the bed. He lay down on his side and pulled her into him close to his heart. "I need to tell you one thing, ok?"

She blinked, and he understood.

"I don't know what happened today to make you this upset but I need you to understand one thing. I've lived the last lonely day of my life yesterday, and I never want to do that again. I had a horrible day and I went home alone. I woke up alone. All the while you're here alone facing horrible truth, alone. I can't do it anymore. I want to fight this together."

Grissom thought Sara wasn't going to answer, and was surprised as she moved her face next to his ear. "I don't want to be lonely anymore either Grissom."

Grissom pulled her back into his chest. They both were sleeping in a matter of minutes. It is amazing how much better each felt fighting their demons together for the first time ever.

Sara was the first to wake in the morning. She only remembered Grissom was there when she opened her eyes to have two strong arms holding her. She thought back to her mother's words the day before. _The first time he holds you in his arms to take the pain away._

For the first time in nearly two decades Sara didn't hurt.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Paralyzed**

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N- Special thanks to Rica! You are the best!

I wanted to thank everyone for the nice reviews.. they means a lot!

Chapter 8

_For the first time in nearly two decades Sara didn't hurt._

When Sara woke the next day she was confused as to why she couldn't move. That is until she opened her eyes. Looking back at her were the beautiful blue orbs of Grissom. Grissom was her friend, her mentor and the only man who had the keys to her past. She smiled at him, silently thanking him for his support, and whispered, "Good morning."

His face, which had been serious, broke into a smile, "It is a good morning, isn't it?" For a few split seconds he wasn't aware of why he even was upset last night. Holding and being held by Sara made it all go away. Not that he doubted all these years the effect she would have on him, but one thing he knew was how much she rocked his world.

They stayed curled up together for quite a long time. It was Grissom who finally broke the silence. "I probably should call the airline, I have to work tonight."

Sara looked at him with a bit of trepidation. "You came here for the night?"

He pulled her in closer kissing the top of her head. "I couldn't be alone and I _needed_ you."

"That's good because I needed you too."

Grissom closed his eyes. He dreamed of hearing those words from Sara. It's not that he didn't know how much they needed each other; it's just the first time he allowed himself to believe it. "I just wish that I could stay longer. I sort of lost it at work and if I don't show up tonight they will think I've finally gone off the deep end."

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"I'd rather just hold you, Sara. Can we talk about it later?" Grissom hoped she would understand. He wanted to savor the strength he was gathering by holding Sara close.

"Actually I understand perfectly, being held is _nice._" They lay together for another hour or so before Grissom decided he needed to make plans to get back to work.

Grissom called the airline and was leaving in three hours. As he hung up the phone he looked over at Sara, she was rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She looked adorable in her t-shirt and lounge pants. _So this is what it would be like, having a bad night and waking up and fighting their demons together. _

Sara sensed his eyes on her and she turned around to call his bluff, "what?"

Slightly blushing he looked at the floor while composing himself. It hit him then and there that they were alone in a hotel room. No interruptions, no worries; just man and woman, friend and foe. Whatever feelings were rushing to his core he put aside as he knew he needed to take baby steps, friends first. "Do you want to talk about your Mom?"

Sara walked over to the bed. She slid down to sit leaning up against the bed for support.

Grissom took her lead and sat next to her. He waited for her to begin. After sensing her uneasiness, he reached over and gently took her hand. "Remember what I said last night? Let's fight this together. We both have failed miserably fighting alone, so starting now, united we stand."

She cleared her throat and told him of her trip the previous day. She was only going to hit the highlights but was shocked at every detail coming out of her mouth. He listened at every juncture and seemed to take it all in. She got to the point where she had asked her mother why she did it, and she hesitated.

"I asked my Mom why she did it-." Sara closed her eyes and lowered her head to her knees.

He saw her struggling and squeezed her hand harder. "It's ok, let it out."

"She told me she did it to protect me, that he was coming after me-." Her voice was coming in choking sobs now. "After all these years of blaming my mom and she did it for _me._"

Grissom thought his heart couldn't break anymore; he was wrong. The hate she carried around all these years, the hate that molded her existence was built upon false truth. Knowing Sara as he did, it must be killing her.

"Oh Sara, there was no way for you to know the reasons why it happened." He reached over and pulled her in for a hug. "Tell me you don't think it is your fault."

Her eyes shot up, "how can I not think it was my fault?"

"Your mom made a choice Sara; she had reached her boiling point. Years of pain and anger will make you do crazy things."

Sara desperately wanted to believe him, but her mind has worked one way for almost her entire life, self doubt. "She wasn't even mad Gris, she said she knew what she had to do and she did it. I've planned every aspect of my life. Nothing I do is spontaneous; everything is calculated. She just _did _it, for _me."_

Grissom looked over and studied her. Sara was always so strong, now he needed to be strong for her. "Sara, the past is the past, you can't change it. You can create the future. Have your mom be a part of your life, start over. Instead of having this reality bring your future down, have it fuel your sense of family."

Sara listened, but it was all so much to take in. She needed time to digest this all. She had a family, and may even have a future with her Mom and this man giving her strength. "Thanks Gris."

Sara closed her eyes and listened to the soft beat of his heart. The rhythm was slow and steady and it calmed her. He always had that effect on her but it had just been years since she let him in that far.

Sara remained with her head on Grissom's chest. It felt too good to move. "Gris, what happened to you last night?"

Quietly, he began to speak, "An entire family killed; two kids, a mom and dad. All dead for no reason. We have nothing, absolutely nothing. Some sick bastard is out there enjoying his high and no matter what we do, we still have nothing."

His voice was steady as he stared into space. He used to be so good pushing the emotions out of his mind, but lately it has been harder and harder. When he saw the family picture of the mantle it cut him to the nucleus. His soul had been dying a slow death, and by coming here tonight he was trying to jumpstart his life again.

They stayed that way for a bit soaking in each others strength. It was Grissom who finally moved. "As much as it pains me, I have to go."

She looked up at him, "Thanks for coming." She hesitated then looked deep into his eyes, "Thanks for being my friend."

He cupped her face with his strong hands. "When you are ready, I'd like us to be more than friends. I'd like to be your _family _Sara. I want to show you how special family can be, how love can be kind and happy. I never want to see sadness on your face again and I'm willing to do anything to make sure of that."

Grissom stood up and reached out for her hand. He pulled her up and into a hug, placing his lips next to her ear, "I love you Sara. I think I have from the first day we met. I'm sorry I ever made you doubt it. Can you ever forgive me enough to be with me?"

She smiled up at him, "I need some more time to straighten things out in my head but I'm leaning towards coming back."

He looked confused. "For work or for me?"

Sara chuckled, "For work…well, really for Ecklie."

Grissom dead panned, "Ecklie?"

"It's his irresistible charm, what can I say?" Her lips pursed up in a semblance of a smile.

Grissom finally cracked a smile, "you almost got me."

Sara dialed a cab for Grissom and before they knew it, it was outside honking. "Time to go."

After another round of salutations, he pulled her close. Her heart had surely stopped beating. His face was a mere inch from hers. "I meant it Sara, I do love you. I'll be waiting for you."

She didn't know why but she wasn't ready to give her love away just yet. He was probably hurt by her not saying it, but 'love' was a strong concept for Sara Sidle, and the key that locked it up years ago had yet to surface.

"Gris, can you call me when you get to work tonight? I want to make sure you get home ok."

He picked up his small bag and slung it on his shoulder. He caressed her face one last time before he walked to the door. "Take care of yourself Sara, but come home soon."

And with that, he was gone.

XXXXX

True to his word Grissom called Sara when he got back to Vegas. They had a nice conversation about nothing in particular, but it was pleasant nonetheless. Grissom promised to call her when he went to work that night, and he did, that night and every night that followed, for the next two weeks. The first night he called it was just after Sara climbed into bed. The mental image left him in a state of flux, but he managed to control those feelings and carry on normally. He looked forward to those calls with Sara more than anything in his life now and he knew despite miles distancing them, they were growing closer and closer and it scared him, and he loved it all wrapped together.

Sara felt it too. She spent her days relaxing, walking, reading and re-gaining her mental strength. She decided against seeking professional help because she knew she had faced her demons and now it was up to her to accept them and move on with her life. No matter what her days brought, she always looked forward to Grissom's call at night. She had her routine down. She took a bath, put on her pajamas and curled up on the couch. She spoke of beautiful sunsets, walks at dawn and literature she was reading. Grissom had sent her several books to help occupy her time and they discussed each at length. They had spoken more in the past few weeks than they had in years, and Sara loved it. In all honesty she almost counted on his nightly phone calls. She knew it was dangerous giving herself to him, but right now he was her rock, only problem is she had no idea how to tell him.

Sara knew she needed to get back to Vegas and re-join her life. As much as she liked her routine she was growing bored with it and she missed her job. What scared her most was going back to Vegas and her and Grissom losing the ground they were gaining in their relationship, but she was now willing to try. She decided it was time and she emailed Ecklie and told him she would be back the following week.

When Sara told Grissom that she was coming home he had a pit in his stomach. As much as he wanted to see her he didn't want to lose any ground they had made over the past few weeks. It was easier talking to her on the phone, he held no guard up. He wasn't her supervisor or mentor; he was just Gil Grissom talking to Sara Sidle. And as man and woman they connected on every level that counted. His hunger for her was growing and he was afraid when she saw him she would know how he felt. He longed to curl up on his couch with her and have their nightly calls "in person". Maybe one day the dream of finally having Sara would come true.

It was Saturday morning and Grissom was getting ready to leave work. He packed his bag up, filling it with a few case files to occupy his boring home existence. He left work and headed home. The lonely feeling he got every time he headed home was driving a knife into his heart. It was only his fault; he had no other to blame. When he pulled in, he looked up and saw her. She was sitting on his step. She was the same beautiful Sara he has known for years, yet she was different. She looked genuinely happy.

He put the car in park, got out and ambled over to her. Their eyes met and stayed locked until they were mere inches apart. "Look who the wind brought in."

Sara laughed, "More like desert storm, don't you think?"

He opened the door and they walked inside. It was normal, natural and comfortable like they had been doing it forever instead of a monumental first step. "Can I get you anything?"

She looked at him wanting to speak her mind, but suddenly the man who was so easy to speak to over the phone was miles away. Why couldn't things be the same as they were on the phone?

They continued to look uncomfortable at each other until Grissom remembered Sara's words. _Fight or fall. He knew what he had to do._

Grissom walked towards Sara ever so slowly so she wouldn't back off. When he was close enough he gently grabbed her hand and pulled her into him. Her touch set him aflame and he didn't realize how much he had missed her being near until that second.

"I'm glad you are here Sara, I've missed you."

Sara was too entranced in his arms to hear his words, she felt like she was in heaven. She was afraid to let go and have to face him as she wasn't sure she could be herself under his watchful eye.

He didn't wait for her answer before he lifted her chin with his finger, "Sara, I really want to kiss you right now, would that be ok?"

Her face went ten shades of crimson. As much as she dreamed of being right here and right now, she wasn't ready for this, but her body was telling her otherwise. Her entire body was aching for his touch and she needed to get past her self made walls. She tried to answer but nothing came out. She was worried he would misread her hesitation.

He led her over to the couch and sat down beside her. He turned and looked at her. "Sara, do you trust me?"

There was no hesitation now, "With my life."

He smiled, "That's a good start." He cleared his throat before continuing. "Close your eyes Sara."

She looked befuddled, but went along with him.

He leaned in closer, settling right next to her ear. "Sara, do you hear my voice?"

She shook her head. "Yes."

"For the past few weeks we have spoken over the phone. You were comfortable, yes?"

"Yes."

"Is my voice the same to you?"

"Yes."

He pulled her hand into his chest, "do you feel my heart beating fast for you?"

"Yes."

He moved back closer to her ear, "I'm the same man. I'm the same man who wants to hold you, wants to love you and be with you, do you understand that Sara?"

Her heart was jumping through her throat, "yes."

"Sara, I need you to be honest with me now." He had placed his hands on her arms and they were running the length of her arms with the softest of touch. "Can you tell me what you want me to do to you, for you?"

She kept her eyes shut. If she made eye contact now she wouldn't be able to speak. She had longed for his touch for the better part of the last decade, and the thought that he wanted to touch her was almost overwhelming. "I want-."

He now grabbed her face tenderly in his hands, "Go on, I need to hear you want me too."

She couldn't take it anymore and opened her eyes. Her eyes screamed at him, her body ached for him, and it was now or never. "I want you Gil Grissom, I've _always_ wanted you and only you."

Her lips found his. Man found woman. Lust or love, or maybe both were driving the kiss. "I want you and all of you; whatever you can give me Grissom."

His desire ran wild. His hands ran unbridled in her hair; and his tongue danced with hers in perfect harmony. After what seemed like an eternity he broke it off, "Are you ok?"

She smiled as she answered, "Better than ok."

"Care to join me in the bedroom?"

Sara stood and suddenly he was horrified at his words. "You're leaving?"

She pulled him into a standing position until they were face to face. "Close your eyes Gris."

His eyebrows furrowed, he replied, "Ok." He closed his eyes not knowing what to expect.

She took a deep breath in an effort to gain her composure. When she finally thought she was able she leaned in and whispered, "Gil, I love you."

In Gil Grissom's 47 years of life, he had never heard such beautiful words. He needed to show her how he felt right now. He firmly grabbed her hand and walked her towards the bedroom. It was going to be quite a day.

TBC - One more chapter after this! Please be kind and review. I need to know if you like the direction this is going!


	9. Chapter 9

**Paralyzed**

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N- This is the end! Special thanks to Rica for her encouragement and beta skills! A big thanks to all of you who have left reviews, they mean a lot!

Rating changed to "R"

Chapter 9

Two steps before reaching Gil's bedroom the inevitable happened, his Cell phone rang. Sara gave him a look that could take down a small nation. She knew work always came first to Gil so she dropped her hand from his grip and walked towards the door.

Sara was almost at the door when Sara felt an arm on her shoulder. She turned to see a look of confusion on Gil's face.

"Where are you going Sara?"

After a soft nervous laugh, she replied, "Work calls and you run, I know the drill." She turned to leave grasping the door handle but was stopped by Gil pushing the door shut.

He turned Sara towards him, "No Sara, not this time. I told Ecklie that Catherine was more than capable of handling the investigation. He needs to start treating all supervisors equal." He reached up and cupped her face, "Besides, nothing could stop me from leaving this, leaving you right now, do you understand that?"

Looking down shyly Sara's voice came out shaky at best, "I'm not _used_ to these feelings." She stepped closer to him, "I'm not used to needing or wanting anyone, and I feel and want both from you, the very thought terrifies me."

He needed to hold her now and drew her in hard to his body. He buried his face into her hair inhaling deeply, "Sara, I'm not good at any of this. I haven't been in a meaningful relationship in 15 years, and none where I had these feelings. I'm mediocre at best in all aspects of _relations_ if you know what I mean. I'm afraid that I won't be able to please you or hold your interest."

Sara tried to look up at him but he held her tighter, he was baring his soul to her and he wasn't sure if she looked at him he could be so honest.

"Despite all of my fear and doubts, never ever doubt my intentions for you, just be patient and we can learn to get used to these feelings together."

In all of her life, Sara never felt real love as she did in this moment. "Love me Gil, please love me."

In one swoop, he picked her up and carried her to his room, gently placing her on his bed.

After kicking his shoes off, he laid down next her. For the first few minutes they just examined each other. Sara couldn't believe after loving him for so long she was lying next to him touching him. She was suddenly overwhelmed and had to take a few deep breaths to come back to reality.

Gil sensed her anxiety and pulled her into his safe embrace. "There is no rush here Sara, we can go as slow or as fast as you want. As I said before, I'm no Casanova, slow would probably work better. I can't scare you off that way."

She only needed a few seconds to calm her nerves. She knew what she needed. Pulling away she lifted her head and let her lips touch his ever so softly. Two worlds that lived in sync yet so far apart unit, the passion unmistakable. The fever that burned inside them was released and the exploration of their soul mates' bodies unmasked.

Gil suddenly stopped and locked eyes with Sara. "I love you Sara and I always will."

She held him close, veryaware of the bulge sticking into her leg. "Gil, I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I'll love you tomorrow, never doubt that."

They shared another deep kiss as they couldn't get enough of each other. "Loving you is like breathing, how could I ever stop?"

They shared another meanigful longing stare. One mastered long ago, but now was able to lead to more.

The words were over and unspent passion took over. Gil rolled Sara over so that he was lying at her side with his hand on her face. "I have a lot of things to make up for, let's start with the first time I realized I loved you and did nothing about it." He kissed her face down her neck and landed next to her ear. "Your neck drives me barmy, so gentle and delicate. I wanted to kiss it for over ten years." So he kissed her neck, every last inch of it.

Sara was slowly being driven into oblivion. She wanted him so much it hurt, and he had done nothing more than declare his love and kiss her neck. It wasn't until the first waves of absolute splendor rattled her body that she became aware of his effect on her. Never had she had an orgasm from nothing more than a man kissing her neck. But it wasn't any man, it was the man she has loved for years, and the truth that he felt the same made her body clearly responsive. After coming down from her high, she wanted to reciprocate what he had done to her, but he wouldn't have it.

He smiled at her, "I'm no where near being done showing you how I feel. I still have nine years to make up for my dear Sara."

She didn't have time to respond before his lips made their way down her arm and to her hand. She was fully clothed and he was only touching her extremities and she was sure she was going to go mad. Feeling bold and wanting his hands and lips on the rest of her body she lifted back and took her shirt off and threw it on the floor.

It was Gil's turn to gasp. He had many, many dreams about this moment but nothing could prepare him for the sight before him. He was in heaven.

Her breasts were perched and bulging behind the delicate lace. He followed her lead and lifted his shirt off, discarding it on top of her shirt on the floor. The damp skin of their bodies met as they rubbed together setting their bodies on fire. He reached back and unclasped her bra which fell to the floor in a silent heap.

He then turned Sara on her stomach and gently rubbed her back. At one point the motion of his hands stopped, and Sara tried to look up at him.

"Gil, what's wrong?"

He traced a long scar across her back. His fingers trembled at the thought of how it got there. After a minute, he laid his head on the scar, "Sara, your dad hurt you too?" He felt her stiffen below him.

Feeling self conscious she tried to roll over, but he wouldn't let her. He simply accepted the answer as 'yes' and placed soft kisses along the scar. "I will do everything in my power to never let you feel pain again Sara, ever."

He needed to calm down or he would lose it right then and there, so he burrowed his head into her neck. "Oh Sara, if you hadn't forgiven me for my mistakes I never would know what this would be like, my life would never be complete, you complete me."

Sara's patient waiting was over. She wanted this man now. She turned and pushed him to his back and kissed him with all the passion she knew and his response only reeled her in further. She finished shedding the clothes that held the last barrier between them and did the same to him. They lay unbridled, the calm before the storm. She needed him now. "Please tell me you have a condom?"

He smiled, "I may be out of practice, but I'll forever be a boy scout, top drawer of my nightstand."

She reached over and found the silver package. After carefully opening it, she turned to sheath him. The mere size of him astounded her. It wasn't that she hadn't expected his size she just wasn't prepared for it. Her hands were shaking in anticipation but she still managed to successfully fit him.

Ten years, 122 days, 31 hours, 4 minutes and 22 seconds, and it was time.

Gil helped Sara back on the bed below him. He wanted to see her face as he entered her. After years of being the cause of her pain, he wanted to see how he was making her happy.

As her entered her they didn't move, they just savored the moment. He was sure if she did move it would be over, and fast. So he waited until the urgent feeling subsided and he began to move inside her. Each thrust releasing the years of pain that transpired between them. Soon, for the time being, the hurt was gone. They matched each others rhythm and within a matter of a few minutes they both exploded together in fruitful bliss.

Sara felt like she might pass out from the sheer power of raw emotion. They lived so long apart that she never imagined coming together would be this powerful.

Gil was equally as dazed. He no longer worried nor questioned why he waited. He was now where he wanted to be and with the only woman whom he has ever truly loved.

Each held their emotions in check, but the hold they had on one another said it all, love conquered all.

XXX

After two days of having Sara to himself, Grissom knew she was going back to work tonight and he had to share her with the world. She had phoned Ecklie and told him she was ready to do her job. He was pleased at the sound of her enthusiasm. He wanted to see her before her shift. Sara was prepared to excuse herself from her past behavior. She and Grissom knew they needed to play things coolly now and playing it up for Ecklie would work in their favor.

Because Sara left her work vehicle at the lab Grissom picked her up for shift. It seemed almost natural and it had only been a few days of being a couple. He opened her door, she let him in, and he made himself at home. It was a level of comfort that neither of them had had in years, especially since she moved to Vegas.

Finally reaching the lab Grissom reached over and squeezed her hand, "Are you ready for this?"

She didn't even need to think about it, "Yeah I am."

"Remember, if it becomes too much, will you speak to me? I'm not saying I'll pull you from a case or not give you a particular type of case, but I'll help you get through them."

"Thanks, same to you, ok?"

He nodded and followed her into the building. He made his way to this office and she made her way to the locker. After putting her coat and purse away she headed to Ecklie's office.

After taking a deep breath she knocked.

He looked up, "Ms. Sidle, please come in. You look rested."

"I am; thanks. You wanted to see me?"

"Are you prepared to come back and be an effective member of the nightshift?"

Holding down her disgust, she remembered her talk with Grissom. "Yes, I straightened out a lot in my life and I'm ready to go the distance." She expected no less from Ecklie, but he still appalled her.

"Good, I'm glad to hear that. You can now report to Supervisor Grissom for your assignment."

Sara stood to leave but was stopped by the sound of his voice.

"It's good to have you back, Sara."

Sara inwardly chuckled; it must have killed him to say that. She was still smirking when she reached the break room. Greg and Sofia were already in there drinking their coffee and reading the new forensic journal.

Greg was the first to see her, "Sara!" He made his way to her and grabbed her into a hug. "Thank god you are back!"

"I am back, in the flesh. Did you miss me?"

Greg lightly punched her in the arm, "Are you kidding? Of course I did. Everyone did, especially the boss man."

It was Sofia's turn to cringe. "Welcome back Sara."

Professional, remember to be professional. "Thanks Sofia, it's good to be back."

After a moment of silence Grissom entered the room. His eyes locked with Sara's and they stayed that way until he sat down at the table.

Greg and Sofia noticed it and shrugged at each other.

Grissom broke the lock and looked around, "I want to welcome Sara back, it just wasn't the same without her. I'm glad our team is all one again."

Sara smiled at him, "What do you have for us boss?"

He handed out the assignments pairing Sara with Greg and himself with Sofia.

It didn't even bother Sara that she wasn't paired with Grissom. She knew who would be going home with him, and it wasn't the blond.

Her first shift ended un-eventfully and she decided to make her way home. She stopped by Grissom's office and told him she was going home, and he promised to meet her there in an hour. She said she needed to stop by the market before going home.

Sara walked up and down the isles and filled her cart. She was assuming she'd be cooking a few meals for Grissom so she got more than her variety. She was almost done when she felt two warm arms wrap about her body.

"Gil?"

He purred in her ear. "I couldn't wait to see you."

She turned and buried her face in his chest, "I'm glad you couldn't wait."

He tilted her head back and kissed her, "I missed you."

"Me too."

"You might get sick of me Gil."

"I don't think there could be a day in the rest of my life I would be sick of you."

It was Sara's turn to purr, "The rest of your life?"

He didn't care then and there if they were in a supermarket, "Yes, if you will have me." He bent down on one knee.

Sara's heart surely stopped beating.

"Sara Sidle, will you marry me?"

Ten years, 124 days, 8 hours, 55 minutes and 8 seconds until she said it, "Yes."

They stood embracing each other, blissfully unaware that Catherine and Warrick were only steps away. Catherine put her hand over her mouth, "Oh Gil, I'm proud of you."

Both Sara and Grissom turned around but didn't let go of their embrace. Grissom looked at Catherine, "So am I, so am I."

The End!

I wanted to thank each of you who took the time to review, they truly make my day! If you have read and haven't reviewed, please do so, it helps to know what you liked!


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